صحةعربي “ليلة الدخلة”: نساء يتحدثن عن تجربة زواجهن الفاشلة بسبب الليلة الأولى by admin 22 أغسطس، 2019 written by admin 22 أغسطس، 2019 110 هيفار حسن/ بي بي سي عربي – لندن بالرغم من أن الزفاف يشغل حيزاً كبيراً من الاهتمام والتفكير في معظم المجتمعات، إلا أن له خصوصية أكثر في المجتمعات الشرقية. نساء من خلفيات اجتماعية مختلفة تحدثن إلى موقع بي بي سي عربي، عن أثر الليلة الأولى على مسيرة زواجهن، وكيف انعكس غياب الثقافة الجنسية والاجتماعية على حياتهن الزوجية. هنا نعرض تجارب خاضتها نساء من فئات عمرية مختلفة. فهل تحدّت هؤلاء النسوة “الإهانة العاطفية” في أول خطوة من رحلة الحياة الزوجية أم خضعن للمجتمع الذي لا يرى أي مشكلة في موقف الزوج؟ سمية، 23 عاماً دخلت سمية في مواجهة طويلة مع أسرتها التي كانت ترفض زواجها من ابراهيم الذي تحبه وتدافع عنه باستماتة، لأنها كانت تظن أنه الزوج المثالي الذي تحلم به أي فتاة، وما أن تحقق حلمها، حتى فاجأتها الصدمة بأسرع مما تتوقع. كان ذلك في أول ليلة جمعتهما، أي “ليلة الدخلة” التي اختفى فيها كل ذلك الحب بسبب شكّه “بعذريتها”. GETTY IMAGES لم تستطع سمية التي تبلغ من العمر 23 عاماً، أن تنهي بضع مواد بقيت من دراستها لآداب اللغة العربية في جامعة دمشق، لأنها انشغلت بابراهيم الذي وعدها بأن يوفر لها الأجواء المناسبة لتكمل دراستها وتتخرج. تزوجت سمية في آذار/مارس الماضي، برغم معارضة أسرتها بسبب عدم وجود مسكن خاص به أولا، وعدم تخرجها بعد. لكنها أصرت على موقفها إيماناً بحبه ودعمه لها، وتحدت الجميع قائلة بأنها مستعدة للعيش مع والدته التي كانت تحترمها كوالدتها. وفي ليلتها، تلقت سمية الصدمة الأولى “بعد أن دخل عليها زوجها ولم يمهلها الوقت الكافي لترتاح، بل حاول فض بكارتها على وجه السرعة مبرراً ذلك بحبه الكبير لها”. تقول سمية: “كنت متساهلة ومتعاونة، تحاملت على نفسي وقبلت رغم تعبي الشديد، لكن عبارات العشق والحب اختفت فجأة ، وتبدل وجهه وملامحه في لحظات، وقال بطريقة لا تخلو من الريبة والشك: لا توجد بقع دم”. اقرأ أيضاً: “كنت أجوب العالم في طائرته الخاصة لأضاجع أصدقاءه وزبائنه” “أعطاني نصف دولار ليمارس معي الجنس طوال اليوم” GETTY IMAGES وعادة ما تواجه معظم النساء نزيفاً وإن بدرجات متفاوتة أثناء عملية فض غشاء البكارة. لكن بحسب الأطباء والمختصين، فذلك ليس شرطاً ضرورياً، ولا يحدث مع جميعهن. وهناك أشكال وأنواع عديدة للغشاء، فبعضها لا يتمزق إلا بعمل جراحي، وبعضها رقيق جداً قد يتمزق دون ظهور أي نزيف، كما أن بعض الفتيات يولدن بدون غشاء بكارة، أو قد يتمزق في طفولتهن إثر تعرضهن لحادث ما. وتصف سمية زوجها قائلةً: “في تلك اللحظة، كانت نظراته لي مثل خناجر غرزت في صدري، قتلني بها دون أن يدري، لم يحاول حتى التحدث إلي، وتركني مهملة كما لو كنت متهمة وانتظر محاكمتي”. وتضيف: “كنا قد ناقشنا أموراً كثيرة قبل الزواج، حتى عن ليلة الزفاف التي كانت من المفترض أن تكون أسعد ليلة لنا، خُيل إلي أننا نعرف أشياء كثيرة عن بعضنا، لكن ذهب كل ذلك في مهب الريح بعد عدم ظهور إشارة ما يسمونه بالعذرية”. GETTY IMAGES مشكلة نفسية ,رغم تكرار مثل هذه الحوادث في مجتمعها، إلا أن سمية لم تكن تتوقع أن تواجه المشكلة نفسها، لأنها كانت تعتقد أن ذهنية الشباب تغيرت عما كانت عليها في زمن أجدادها، وأن خطيبها مثقف جامعي ومنفتح، لكنها “صُعقت باقتراحه بزيارة الطبيب في اليوم التالي من زواجهما للتأكد من عذريتها”. وتعود عادة اختبار عذرية الفتيات إلى عصور قديمة، وتتفاوت أسبابها وطرق فحصها من مجتمع لآخر، وما زالت المجتمعات المحافظة تحتفل بعذرية الفتاة في ليلة الزواج بطريقة مبالغة، كأن يتم عرض ملاءة السرير على الأقرباء من الطرفين، وأحياناً تقام طقوس معينة تأكيداً على أهميته. وعلى الرغم من سهولة عملية إعادة رتق الغشاء بجراحة بسيطة، وتوفر الغشاء الاصطناعي الصيني الصنع منذ عقود كما في حالة الشابة روزانا، لا تزال الكثيرات منهن يواجهن نهايات مختلفة تصل إلى القتل تحت اسم “غسل العار”. “جرح لم يندمل” عند زيارة سمية إلى الطبيبة النسائية في اليوم التالي، أكدت لهما بأن غشاءها سميك ولن يزول كلياً إلا مع أول ولادة طبيعية لها بحسب قولها. شعر زوجها بارتياح، وعادت الابتسامة إلى وجهه، لكن بعد فوات الأوان، فقد حسمت الشابة أمرها في قرارة نفسها، وقررت أن تطلب الطلاق بأقرب وقت ممكن”. وتفسّر انتظارها لبعض الوقت في طلب الطلاق بالقول: “بات زوجي غريباً بالنسبة لي، خشيت من أن ينضم إلى ما قد يردده المجتمع حول عذريتي، لم أعد أتنبأ بما قد يفعل، كل شيء أصبح متوقعاً، فالذي ينسف سنوات معرفتنا ببعضنا البعض في لحظات، لا أمان لي منه على حياتي بعد ذلك”. وتتوقف لبرهة وتضيف: “حقيقة لا أدري تماماً كيف أصف حالتي ومشاعري تجاهه بعد تلك الليلة، لكنني لم أكن أطيق العيش معه بعد أن اختزل كل ما املك من صفات وقدرات بغشاء لا أهمية له عندي، فأنا في نهاية الأمر، إنسان وليس مجرد غشاء لحمي”. ساءت حالة سمية النفسية منذ ذلك الحين، إذ لم ترغب في استقبال أحد أو الخروج إلى أي مكان، كانت تشعر كما لو أنها تقوم بتمثيل دور الزوجة التقليدية التي لا حول لها ولا قوة إلا برضاه عنها بحسب قولها. لم تمارس معه الجنس خلال ثلاثة أشهر إلا بضع مرات ودون رغبة منها، وتقول: “عندما كان يضاجعني، كنت أشعر بالنفور، لم أكن أرغب به، ولم أشعر بأي شيء، لأن عاطفتي كانت قد ماتت في ليلتها، كنت أنتظر أن ينهي مهمته ويتركني، كانت ممارسة الجنس معه تُشعرني بالعهر لأنها لم تكن نابعة من الحب بل من واجب مفروض علي”. الأخصائية النفسية أمل الحامد تؤكد على ضرورة زيارة الخطيبين لعيادة نفسية لتأهيلهما نفسياً للحياة الجديدة استشارة نفسية وسمية ليست حالة منفردة في مجتمعها، بل هناك الكثير منهن خلف الأبواب الموصدة، ينأين بأنفسهن ويتجنبن أن يكنّ عرضة لنميمة المجتمع ولومه، إلا أن المشاكل تتفاقم اكثر وتؤثر على الأطفال والأسرة لاحقاً بسبب عدم الانفتاح في تقبل النقاش بصراحة. وتقول الأخصائية النفسية أمل الحامد في حديث مع بي بي سي، عن الحالات النفسية للنساء في ليلة الزفاف والنصائح التي تساعد المقبلين على الزواج في عدم الوقوع في مشكلات ليست في الحسبان: “لم تجرِ عادة زيارة طبيب نفسي في مجتمعاتنا بسبب المعتقدات المسبقة الخاطئة”. وتضيف: “حضور جلسات نفسية تضمن بداية حياة سعيدة أساسها التفاهم والحوار، ويجب على الزوجين استشارة طبيب نفسي والتزود بالنصائح المفيدة والتحدث عن المشاكل التي قد تواجههم في الليلة الأولى وكيفية تجنبها وطرح الأسئلة مهما كانت خاصة، عن التقرب بينهما وعن أنواع أغشية البكارة وكيفية فضها بطريقة لا تنُفر الزوجة، وجعلها ليلة جميلة بدلاً من أن تكون مؤلمة”. وتتابع: “مع الأسف يعتقد الكثيرون أنهم يعرفون الكثير عن المرأة ونفسيتها وجسدها والليلة الأولى، إلا أن التجارب المتكررة تثبت العكس”. وفي معظم الأحيان تتفاقم المشاكل على المدى البعيد وتصبح أكثر تعقيداً بسبب تراكمها بدون علاج، لهذا، لا بد من تهيئة العروسين نفسياً للحياة الجديدة، أساسها التفاهم والثقة المتبادلة ومشاركة الأفكار” كما ترى. “دليل العفة” وسألت بي بي سي 20 رجلاً، تراوحت أعمارهم بين 20 و45 ، بين متزوج وأعزب، من أكاديميين وأطباء ومعلمين وممن يرون أنفسهم منفتحين في العلاقات، عن ردود فعلهم فيما لو واجهوا الموقف ذاته ولم تظهر إشارة ما تسمى بـ “العذرية” في اللقاء الحميمي الأول، فكانت إجابات معظمهم سلبية سواء بشكل صريح أو بطريقة غير مباشرة. وربط معظمهم ظهور بقع الدم التي يرونها كدليل على عذرية الفتاة وعفتها، وبالتالي بداية حياة سعيدة مبنية على الثقة والتفاهم. GETTY IMAGES في وجه الريح بعد مرور بضعة أشهر، صارحت سمية زوجها بعدم رغبتها بالاستمرار معه، وأخبرته عن قرارها الذي لا رجعة منه لأنها وبحسب تعبيرها، لم تعد تؤمن على حياتها معه، كما أنه لم يعد هناك حب أو شغف به بعد تجربة الليلة الأولى، وحدثته عن شكّه بها وكيف كان “عديم الإحساس بها” في تلك الليلة، وأهانها وانتقص من كرامتها. تقول سمية: ” كان مصدوماً مما قلت لأنه يعتبر أن من حقه كرجل أن يعلم أن زوجته لم تمارس الجنس مع أحد قبله، وأنه لن يطلقني ما حييت، وعلي أن أعقل لتصرفاتي المتمردة لأن نتيجتها الندم”. وتضيف: “مجتمعنا مزدوج المعايير، فمغامرات الرجال الجنسية مقبولة بل تثير الإعجاب، أما فيما يخص المرأة، فمنبوذة وتصل عقوبتها إلى القتل، وزوجي الذي تركته، واحد من هؤلاء، يقهقه وهو يتحدث عن مغامرة جنسية سابقة بين الأصدقاء ويثور هائجاً لو أطلقت مجرد نكتة على سبيل المزاح”. تركت سمية الأراضي السورية في حزيران/يونيو الماضي متوجهة إلى أوروبا بعد أن رفض أهلها تأييد فكرة طلاقها لأنهم اعتبروا أن السبب “تافه وسخيف”. GETTY IMAGES جمانة، 45 عاماً أما جمانة التي عاشت معظم حياتها في حلب، وهي من منطقة الباب، فتقول لبي بي سي، إنها انتظرت 20 عاماً لتحصل على الطلاق. تعيش جمانة حالياً في بروكسل منذ عام 2016، وتقول: “كنت في التاسعة عشرة من عمري عندما قرر والدي تزويجي بابن عمي دون موافقتي، لم أكن أرغب به، كنت أعشق الدراسة، لكنهم أقنعوني أنه الشخص المناسب لي، وإنني سأتعود وأحبه لاحقاً”. وجرت العادة عند الكثير من العائلات المحافظة والمناطق الريفية، أن ينتظر بعض كبار العائلة، رجالاً ونساءً في منزل العروسين ريثما يتم التأكد من “عذرية الفتاة” في ليلة الزفاف. وتصف جمانة بنبرة لا تخلو من الألم ما وقع في تلك الليلة وكأنه حدث للتو قائلةً: “أغلق الباب علينا وطُلب منا أن نسرع لأن كبار العائلة بانتظار الخبر اليقين”. “كان الأمر سيئاً للغاية، لم يتحدث معي زوجي، بل سارع إلى إنهاء المهمة دون إجراء أي حديث معي ولو لدقائق، في حين كنت أرتجف خوفاً ولا رغبة به” بحسب وصفها. وتضيف: “لكن حدثت المفاجئة، رغم ألمي النفسي والجسدي، لم يكن زوجي مبالياً إلا بانتظار بقعة الدم”. “لم أنزف في تلك الليلة، فما كان عليه إلا أن يكسر هدوء الليل بصوته العالي ويصرخ “لا يوجد دم”، مع إطلاقه لكلمات وألفاظ أخجل من قولها، كانت عيناه المحمرتان كجمرتين باستطاعتهما حرقي في تلك اللحظة”. أصيبت جمانة بخرس مؤقت دام لمدة ساعة من صدمتها وخوفها ولم تستطع النطق، اقتيدت إلى الطبيب النسائي في نفس الليلة ولم ينتظروا حتى الصباح للتأكد من “عذريتها” . وتقول جمانة: “أتذكر الطبيب الذي بدأ بمواساتي كما لو أنه أبي، ووبخ زوجي بعبارات قاسية على ما فعله بها”. عاشت بعد ذلك جمانة مكرهة مع زوجها الذي شهّر بها، لأن عائلتها وكل من حولها لم يدعموها أو يؤيدوها على فكرة الانفصال، لا في تلك الليلة ولا على مر 20 عاماً من المشاكل بينهما. لم تنسَ جمانة الإهانة أبداً، رغم مرور 20 عاماً، ورغم إنجابها لأربعة أولاد، إلا أنها انفصلت عنه حالما وصلت إلى بروكسل مع أولادها “انتقاماً منه ومن المجتمع” الذي لم يساندها بحسب تعبيرها. وتعيش جمانة مع أولادها في بروكسل، ولا تنوي الزواج مرة أخرى، بل تسعى إلى تحقيق حلم الدراسة التي انحرمت منه، ورعاية أولادها وبناتها بطريقة تختلف عما تربت هي عليها. وتضيف: “أنا سعيدة الآن لأنني استطعت أن أجلب ابنتَي إلى هنا، ولن يتكرر ما حدث معي، معهما أيضاً، لم أطلق زوجي فقط، بل طلقت ذلك المجتمع الذي لم ينصفني أبداً”. 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