I no longer find my wife sexually attractive – have we become too alike

We were all over each other when we dated, but in marriage we have merged our lives to the extent that I don’t really have a

The guardian / Pamela Stephenson Connolly

After only five years of marriage, I am finding it hard to be sexually attracted to my wife. When we were dating, we were all over each other, but a lot has changed since we got married. Other than our sex life, we have a very good relationship. That said, my views on the world and my personality are different because of her influence. I strongly believe this is for the better, as she is a very sweet and caring person, but could it explain the change in sexual attraction? I feel as though we are too cosy and have become very alike. I spend most of my time alone and talk only to her; I don’t really have a social life. I don’t know how to fix this, but it is killing me. I feel like less of a man and I feel bad when I am attracted to other women or watch pornography.

You and your wife have probably become too familial for optimum sex. Also, perhaps you are harbouring resentment about some of the changes in you that have occurred due to her influence, which could significantly affect your libido. You may need to reclaim your individuality to an extent; in doing so, you will both feel a resurgence of libido. Mutual attraction requires that each partner views the other as being separate from him or herself; if you always know what each other is thinking, the thrill and challenge of the other’s mystery is absent and the spark dies. Choose some different pastimes from your partner – and seek a different friend or two. Stand your ground in an argument. Express your true feelings with respect and clarity and don’t allow them to be dismissed. Paradoxically, good sex will return when you are more emotionally and intellectually separate.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com(please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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Topics:Relationships/Sexual healing/features